Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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