i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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