You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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