Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
