I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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