i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
