I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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