Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
