I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize