Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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