God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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