I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In other news, I just burned my penis
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
