No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
