how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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