Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
