he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
