there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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