In the future we'll all be gay
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
