I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
