u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
