I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
