I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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