He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
