a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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