my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
