My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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