I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
