It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I would ride that face into the sunset
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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