True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
