i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
