So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
