Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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