if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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