I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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