I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
