Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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