I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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