Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
