I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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