She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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