I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
