Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
where are my eyebrows?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
