You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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