I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
