Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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