Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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