Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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