I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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