Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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