I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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