You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
