This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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