News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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