watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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