My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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