is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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