I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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