He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
