we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
