he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
