So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
