he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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